I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
