Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
