How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
