Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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