Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
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and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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