i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
it hurts more in the daytime
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
