The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
