just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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