i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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