I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
