just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
