fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
