I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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