I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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