Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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