fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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