I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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