I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
