3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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