he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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