hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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