keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
