I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.