hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
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It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
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Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??