Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
