i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
