He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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