Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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