Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We need to rekindle our bromance
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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