I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize