Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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