So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
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After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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