wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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