Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
