my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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