The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
