I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
