I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
tell me about the eggs
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
