the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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