I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
