soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I love having hate sex.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
