I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
