i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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