11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
