UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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