Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
