Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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