Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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