They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
