Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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