kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
