I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
