I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We talked him into tasing himself.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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