Taylor Swift is so right about you.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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