The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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